" I AM MY OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN "

SOMETIMES I WONDERED IF I WAS SEEING THE SAME THINGS THROUGH MY EYES THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS SEEING THROUGH THEIRS. MAYBE THERE WAS A GLITCH IN MY BRAIN.
I TRIED TO THINK OF A LOGICAL SOLUTION THAT COULD EXPLAIN WHAT I HAD JUST BEEN THROUGH — A SOLUTION THAT EXCLUDED THE ASSUMPTION THAT I WAS INSANE.
I AM NOT A MAGNET FOR ACCIDENTS — THAT’S NOT A BROAD ENOUGH CLASSIFICATION. I AM A MAGNET FOR TROUBLE. IF THERE IS ANYTHING DANGEROUS WITHIN A TEN-MILE RADIUS, IT WILL INVARIABLY FIND ME.
GOOD LUCK TENDED TO AVOID ME
THE ONLY GUESS I HAVE IS THAT MAYBE MY MIND DOESN’T WORK THE SAME WAY THE REST OF THE WORLD DO. LIKE MY THOUGHTS ARE ON THE AM FREQUENCY AND I’M ONLY GETTING FM
I’M THE WORLD’S WORST PREDATOR, AREN’T I? EVERYTHING ABOUT LIFE PUSHES ME AWAY — PEOPLE IN GENERAL, SADNESS, HATETRESS, DOING THE SAME THINGS JUST DIFFERENT DAYS. AS IF I NEED ANY OF THAT!
PEOPLE ARE PREDICTABLE. BUT ME… I NEVER DO WHAT’S EXPECTED OF ME.
I DON’T WANT TO SUFFER, OR EASILY BE FRUSTRATED. LIFE IS LITERALLY MY PERSONAL HELL ON EARTH.
I AM SO DEPRESSED BY LIFE THAT IT’S MADE ME SUICIDAL? IT WILL BE NICE IF I’D NEVER EXISTED
WOULD YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEANT IF I SAID I’M ONLY HUMAN?
I WISH YOU COULD FEEL THE… COMPLEXITY… THE CONFUSION… I FEEL. WOULD THAT MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND?
ABOUT THREE THINGS I WAS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE. FIRST, I AM DEPRESS AND UNHAPPY. SECOND, THERE IS A PART OF ME— AND I DIDN’T KNOW HOW PERSUASIVE THAT PART MIGHT BE — THAT THIRSTED FOR COMMITTING SUICIDE. AND THIRD, I WAS UNCONDITIONALLY AND IRREVOCABLY IN LOVE WITH THE THOUGHT OF DYING.
I’M NOT THE MOST DANGEROUS THING OUT THERE. LET’S LEAVE IT AT THAT.
I’D RATHER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING — EVEN IF WHAT YOU’RE THINKING IS INSANE. YOUR COMMENTS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME SO LEAVE SOMETHING…
Before I start the present, we must go back to the past. A highlight of my life…
I see a therapist once a week, psychiatrists once a month for refills and see how things are going. I go through ups and downs with my depression, this time it was different. I’m not saying it changed my life. Every now and then I want it over with already. I AM TIRED and WANT IT TO GO AWAY!
My name is Ly’Lla pronounced Lila. I’m 28; suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, and adult deficiency disorder, lol what a great life I have. Here is my life story…

Saturday, August 14, 2010

ME & PUBLIC RESTROOM

Me/Public restroom

I only drink soymilk, silk, or almond milk. I ran out of it today at least one of my roommate drank the last glass. It’s morning and I’m hungry. There in the refrigerator lies 2% milk. I figure it’s not whole milk so it shouldn’t be bad, BIG MISTAKE! HUGE!

So there I got ready for work, in my car I’m driving about 3 miles away from home. My tummy started to make the popcorn noise. Have you ever passed gas that smelled so bad you wanted to run away from yourself? I experienced that today, twice to make it worse. I roll down the window that’s no help because it’s like 97degrees outside. All I’m getting is hot air; know I’m sweating and my car smell like the garbage, with no way to turn.

I made it to work. Things got worse, oh my the way my shift is 3p-11p. I clocked in 3p the day wasn’t so bright for me. I’m in pain, my tummy is hurting and I can’t stop blowing every area I passed.

Two hours later, I couldn’t pass gas anymore for I knew…if I let one out air goes poop all over myself. I’m walking with my bottom squeezed as if I was exercising. The pain was excruciating, I had to set myself free, but this is a long way to go before I can make it home.

Public restroom; this is me and public restroom. I only use it for number one, and before I do I clean the restrooms first, put sit covers like three of them then squat down not sitting on the toilet sit. That is me and public restrooms.

At home if I must go number two, I always jump in the shower afterward. Call me weird but that’s me. For some reason I feel like the odor follows me, and I feel dirty.

Its 7p, at this point I can’t even walk. My manager asked if something was the matter, I told him just a little cramp that’s all. Lies, lies, all lies… I have to take a dump that’s what the matter is.

Sometimes we must put aside our eagles and let life be…I learned that today, because I had to clean the sits place 5sit covers because at any giving point I would have the worst accident of my life.

FREEDOM!!!FREEDOM!!! I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY…

I felt better for the rest of my shift, but so uncomfortable because I couldn’t shower afterward.

WHAT A DAY! WHAT A DAY IT WAS TODAY!!!

Posted by MY LIFE AS...Ly'Lla at 1:07 AM

1 comments:

scribbling sassy said...

hi! haha goodness you shouldn't hold it, you'll poison yourself ... uhm ... would it? haha, i seriously don't know. but, yup never drink stale milk :D

August 15, 2010 at 8:20 AM

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