LIFE AFTER DEATH...III

The next three days were literally worth dying for. What I noticed, is compliances makes you look like the good guy, wanting to change life around. This is easy for me because I live a pretended life around people and cry myself to sleep when I’m alone.
I did what was asked of me every day. Until Monday came, I saw my so called doctor; whom I spoke too and told her how much I have learned a lot here and this place have made me look at life in a different way.

In my head what I wanted to say was…being here made it clear that if I want death, I must plan better so that I can be done. Aim for success, not with hope that it works. I had to make sure someone had to pick me up. I called a co-worker who’s a close friend of mine, since my location was in his neighborhood. He came to pick me up and he was instruct that as soon as he gets to the house he must expect the house to make sure there are no weapons for me to use.

These people are so in there behind, if I had a weapon we wouldn’t be here having this conversation. They would be looking for my family to identify my body.
I got home and he made the call, of course I told him not to tell work, which I didn't even have to ask because his not that kind of person, but you say things to insure your on the same page.

I was back to the four walls of depression, that I have to face life unwillingly. I later talked to my therapist I did keep in touch with her while I was in the dungeon. They had informed her of the situation, she checked with me while I was there, so when I got out we made an appointment right away.

The day I came back charged my phone called my boyfriend who apparently called like ten times and had his sister who’s my close friend call me. I returned his call, he came by we talked. I told him what had happen, he seem supportive at the time. But when he left, I felt him living as well, only he was a coward couldn’t tell me to my face. Now you see why I hate people; certain type to be exact but that’s another story for another day.

Yes you guessed right, we broke up two weeks after that only because I pulled it out of him. I don’t like the bushes; if I did then I would live in the jungle. I wanted to get this over with so I told him look either tell me what you really want to say or stop ignoring my calls. I don’t have room for craps nor the energy so stop being an a hole and spill it.

I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I was trying to be nice; after all you’ve been through. Are you freakin’ kidding me dude? You didn’t want to hurt my feelings after what I’ve been through, you should have thought about that before acting like a douchbag. After what I’ve been through; you should be a friend and be there for me. Sparing my feeling by being a jack is not what I need nor want. That was the end of the relationship click! Slam the phone lol actually just push the end button since you can’t slam a cell phone.

I met and talked about my pathetic life and decided that I was going to be pulled out of work for a while to focus on me. I was put on disability, my nightmare life was both at home and work. I felt more like work was the worst being around humans that I hated more than the heart can handle.

I was put out of work as I try to live a life, I joined different social groups to keep myself busy and continue with school…

Most people after facing death, change things around and are grateful for seeing life in a different way as they thank god for the opportunity. Somehow life has taken a 360 degree turn is such bull crap. Television stories are not the same as real life and if someone has experienced such major changed of life after death, then great for them. for me I still live in regrets. I wanted it over because I have no reasons for living. I still have no reasons to wake up in the morning; I have to reason to look forward to the day. I am pathetic and worthless of taking a breath every day.

Most people wake up and thank god for waking up to see another day. Me on the other hand, I wake up and say thanks for nothing… but more sadness. I drive sometimes in hope that a car... a track a BIG eighteen wheeler flip over my GMC. Which crushes me to pieces? Sometimes when I drive through a train track, I stop right in front of the rail road and stop as I wish that my car will not start so the train can end the misery. One day I sit there for 5 minute on my way to my therapist. I closed my eyes crying bagging ….bagging for a train to run me over. They say ask and you shall receive why the hack am I not receiving?

This guy knocked on my window, making me jump as I opened my eyes and say are you ok? Do you need help? No thank you I’m fine, as I started my car and drove off, as I looked behind be apparently there were a lot of cars beeping their horns. AAAAHHHHH, facing death or coming close to one did not do a 360 degree in my life. I have continued to suffer and sometimes for a few days things are better than others but it’s ALWAYS WORTH EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY!

The beginning of life after death…Ly'Lla