LIFE AFTER DEATH...

I’d never given it much thought of how I will die, but the idea for the pain and stress to end sounded peaceful.

A year ago March 18, 2009. I committed suicide, because my life sucked and I didn’t know what else to do I just wanted it to go away. I remember it as if it was yesterday…

I left the doctor’s office, stopped by my therapist who made me signed a noticed that I will call for help if I think about doing anything reckless; she gave me a help line number. I left her office, went to the grocery store. I bought two bottles of red wine, a pack of cigarettes; I stopped by the pharmacy and picked up my prescriptions, and drove home.

I got home took a bath, walked around in circles cause I didn’t know what to do. It was 6pm eastern stander time, I called the help line, and the lady on the other hand asked my name…Ly’Lla I reply. She asked me what was the problem…I hate life and I want to die so it can all go away I reply. From 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest and ten being the highest how much do you want to kill yourself she asked?
I took a deep breath and sign with a long pause thinking to myself…seriously is she kidding me does the number matters or the thought of me thinking to kill myself is more severe than to put a number on my death plan. Ly’Lla are you there, she asked? No respond, Ly’Lla are you there I need you to say something so I know that you’re ok she said… yeah I’m here, I reply. She asked the question again. From 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest and ten being the highest how much do you want to kill yourself? I hung up the phone; I called my therapist she didn’t answer.

I set on the kitchen floor crying. The phone rang, thinking that it’s my therapist I picked up, hello I answered. Ly’Lla this is… from the hotline I believe we got disconnected so I was calling back to see how we can help you. No we didn’t get disconnected I hung up on you I reply as I hung up again. The phone rang and at this time I remember the number so I didn’t pick up.

I started drink wine, than I took my prescriptions. Whatever the recommendation was, I took four times more; trazodone 50mg (sleep med and depression)I took 200mg; Prozac 20mg (depression) I took 80mg; lamictal 25mg( depression and mood stabilizer) I took 100mg. I finished it with the first bottle of wine which was 750ml. Then I cut my wrist I don’t even know how many times. I grabbed the second bottle of wine, and took more pills at this time I have no idea how many more I took. i wanted it to be painless. overdosing and drinking sounded like the best way to go. Fall asleep and never wake up.NO PAIN NO GAME right.


The next think I remembered was a hard knock on the door. I opened the door saw a bag with a whole lot of people behind him. He said he was the police with paramedics; they received a call from a help line to come and check on me for attempt suicide. I asked what tome it was. The officer said 2:15am, as he asked me if he can come in. before I could respond, I felt someone slapping my face not hard or anything, you know when someone is trying to wake you up type of slap.
I woke up sitting on the couch. What are you doing as I moved his hand out of my face. You pasted out therefore we entered your home, one officer responded, as the paramedic was flashing my eyes and said here pupil are dilated said. I’m fine, ma’am we need to take you to the hospital, then white stuff was coming out of my mouth, just let me die please I’m tired of this life as I was crying. Then I was moving, I opened my eyes these faces where looking at me. Are you ok? One of the paramedic asked. What’s going on? Where are you taking me? As I asked trying to get up, it seem like you’re having blackout moments. We are taking you to the hospital; I was fighting the paramedic, let me go! let me go!.

I woke up freaking out causing hyperventilation, I had tubes on my arms, EKG, oxygen, at this point my body started to tighten up because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen in my brain. Nurses came ruining, one holding me the other telling me to breath, the other I have no idea what she was doing. Get me out of here I was screaming. One nurse said we are trying to help you, the paramedics bought you here, you were unconscious, we had to bla………..bla………blaaa..That I all I heard. We need you to breath, take small deep breaths and release slowly. It took sometimes I got back to my normal breathing.

The doctor came in later, told me how and why I was there. Explained to me that they had to flush my system based on the blood tests, the results were really bad, that I’m lucky the police and paramedics showed up at my door. My blacking out at the house I probably wouldn’t have awakened. We are going to keep you here for observations.

I was just looking at her, but not her thinking to myself. You have got to be fucking me, what did I do wrong that everything I went through didn’t work. I don’t want to fucking live, I don’t want to breath, I just want to sleep for ever and never wake up. I wish I had a gun that would’ve been easy, one to the head….GAME OVER!

To be continued…