" I AM MY OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN "

SOMETIMES I WONDERED IF I WAS SEEING THE SAME THINGS THROUGH MY EYES THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS SEEING THROUGH THEIRS. MAYBE THERE WAS A GLITCH IN MY BRAIN.
I TRIED TO THINK OF A LOGICAL SOLUTION THAT COULD EXPLAIN WHAT I HAD JUST BEEN THROUGH — A SOLUTION THAT EXCLUDED THE ASSUMPTION THAT I WAS INSANE.
I AM NOT A MAGNET FOR ACCIDENTS — THAT’S NOT A BROAD ENOUGH CLASSIFICATION. I AM A MAGNET FOR TROUBLE. IF THERE IS ANYTHING DANGEROUS WITHIN A TEN-MILE RADIUS, IT WILL INVARIABLY FIND ME.
GOOD LUCK TENDED TO AVOID ME
THE ONLY GUESS I HAVE IS THAT MAYBE MY MIND DOESN’T WORK THE SAME WAY THE REST OF THE WORLD DO. LIKE MY THOUGHTS ARE ON THE AM FREQUENCY AND I’M ONLY GETTING FM
I’M THE WORLD’S WORST PREDATOR, AREN’T I? EVERYTHING ABOUT LIFE PUSHES ME AWAY — PEOPLE IN GENERAL, SADNESS, HATETRESS, DOING THE SAME THINGS JUST DIFFERENT DAYS. AS IF I NEED ANY OF THAT!
PEOPLE ARE PREDICTABLE. BUT ME… I NEVER DO WHAT’S EXPECTED OF ME.
I DON’T WANT TO SUFFER, OR EASILY BE FRUSTRATED. LIFE IS LITERALLY MY PERSONAL HELL ON EARTH.
I AM SO DEPRESSED BY LIFE THAT IT’S MADE ME SUICIDAL? IT WILL BE NICE IF I’D NEVER EXISTED
WOULD YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEANT IF I SAID I’M ONLY HUMAN?
I WISH YOU COULD FEEL THE… COMPLEXITY… THE CONFUSION… I FEEL. WOULD THAT MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND?
ABOUT THREE THINGS I WAS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE. FIRST, I AM DEPRESS AND UNHAPPY. SECOND, THERE IS A PART OF ME— AND I DIDN’T KNOW HOW PERSUASIVE THAT PART MIGHT BE — THAT THIRSTED FOR COMMITTING SUICIDE. AND THIRD, I WAS UNCONDITIONALLY AND IRREVOCABLY IN LOVE WITH THE THOUGHT OF DYING.
I’M NOT THE MOST DANGEROUS THING OUT THERE. LET’S LEAVE IT AT THAT.
I’D RATHER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING — EVEN IF WHAT YOU’RE THINKING IS INSANE. YOUR COMMENTS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME SO LEAVE SOMETHING…
Before I start the present, we must go back to the past. A highlight of my life…
I see a therapist once a week, psychiatrists once a month for refills and see how things are going. I go through ups and downs with my depression, this time it was different. I’m not saying it changed my life. Every now and then I want it over with already. I AM TIRED and WANT IT TO GO AWAY!
My name is Ly’Lla pronounced Lila. I’m 28; suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, and adult deficiency disorder, lol what a great life I have. Here is my life story…

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"A letter to God"

I watched this movie called “A letter to God” so I wonder if we could write God a letter what will it about? Would it be like a journal telling him about our day? Will it be like writing a list to Santa? Would it be a letter of hope, forgiveness, watching over us, what will a letter to God talk about?

I don’t know per say, but this is what I will write to God about in hope for some answers.

Dear God

I’m no saint; I don’t even know what that really means without Google ling it lol. I have a lot of questions, I’m sure you’re a busy God after all; I watched Bruce Almighty, which by the way you picked a great actor to play you. Was that your decision by the way? You don’t have to answer that one since you’re so busy I need to ask serious questions. So here goes nothing. To others this might be an easy question maybe because you’ve given them the answer apparently I didn’t get that memo, so I ask again

Is one born with faith or is faith seeked throughout life as we grow? Is faith like riding a bike, because if it is I see why I did not get the memo I sure don’t know how to paddle so that sucks if that’s how you delivered your message. I’ve been told and it is said “all you need is faith and believe” truth be told that’s easily said than done let’s be frank with each other here…

I am not one to close thy eye without fear of being perished by a mad man in a dodge charger, because there running late for whatever purpose. I know… if it was meant to be then that will be my time to go great. As I’ve said before, thy fear no death for every beginning comes an end. Thy problem on the other hand is must one go through the pain and suffering lying in there death bed for the sake of faith or believe?

Let’s say for thy names sake one you walk eyes close through the path of danger and make it to the other side. There will still be some type of catastrophes; like the car which swirl around in avoidance to hit one on foot, they might either hit a tree, another car, another person I mean seriously where is the faith or belief in that?
It seems to me like in place of one’s faith or belief, another being’s life stands in question in exchange for an answer.

It’s like this movie “The Box” this move was about couples that were going through financial difficulties and where given answers to their suffering. The catch on the other hand was should they open “the box” they will receive one million dollars and someone out there will die.
Come to think about it is that how the lottery works? One family wins another family is destroyed?

If you ask me this is how I see it…supposedly there is a verse in the bible says” seek and ye shall find” is there a fine print that says there will be consequences? If that is the case, than why give me the options, choices, and ability to question things

Again let’s be real; there are reasons to why we see “yes or no, why, why not, maybe, sometimes,” we ask questions in search for an answer. I won’t give money away without knowing where it’s going, its purpose, etc.

For now this is all I have. I hope for an answer. Do you think if I put postage on it that it would be delivered somewhere or will the post office throw it away? Hhn this is so weird, writing a letter that I know for a fact it will never be deliver. I know that what I saw was just a movie, but the thing is it gets you thinking what if?

What if a lot of people are getting on their knees at the same time every night, morning, evening, seconds, hours, and minutes, do you have a hard time understand all of us at the same time. Do you forget most prayers? I think that could be a possibility, I’m just saying 28 years old and I haven’t seen anything yet.

I mean you can’t blame me for letting you go.
Honestly you left me alone for the longest. Those people did not watch over me they turned me to their little fucking slave. They turn me to whatever they pleased. At 8 years old I didn’t know any better and you should have been there for me. You should have protected me. I am the way I am today because of you. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t believe in anything or much at all because you were never there so how dare you want me to have faith without questioning your motives or purpose. How dare you think I will just drop everything supposedly just have faith. Faith doesn’t put money in my account; faith doesn’t make me sleep at night cause I sure as never sleep at night. Faith does nothing for me and I will not apologize for that.

You see this is the reason I don’t speak to you about how I feel, because I have so much pain and anger towards you I can’t put it all into words and yes I ’m crying. If you were in a form of a human standing in front of me I seriously would punch the life out of you. I will slice pieces of your body with a knife so you can feel the pains I’ve been through and every time I’ve cut myself. Every blood of mine that dripped…
I need to stop know because I’m yearning the feel of a sharp blade against my skin because the pain I’m feel is more than my heart can take and I told myself I wouldn’t do it again but right now it’s really hard.

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